


the night-time is the hardest

by aliciajazmin



Series: hold your hand while dancing [1]
Category: Torchwood
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Bisexuality, Drinking & Talking, Drinking to Cope, F/F, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Not Canon Compliant, Pining, Post-Episode: s01e07 Greeks Bearing Gifts, Unresolved Romantic Tension, gwen is polyamorous, no infidelity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-08
Updated: 2020-09-08
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:41:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,850
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26272759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aliciajazmin/pseuds/aliciajazmin
Summary: Wanting to comfort Tosh, Gwen goes to Tosh's flat with a bottle of wine. She wonders what Tosh may have heard with the pendant.
Relationships: Gwen Cooper/Toshiko Sato
Series: hold your hand while dancing [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2060250
Comments: 4
Kudos: 17
Collections: Torchwood Fan Fests: Bingo Fest 2020





	the night-time is the hardest

**Author's Note:**

> This is for the Torchwood Bingo Fest 2020! Prompts included in this are bisexuality, friendship, and healing!

**I don't know where this leaves us.** _Me neither._

Gwen started to second guess where she stood. She knew where she was: Outside Tosh’s flat. But she felt unwelcome. She had never been here before. She had to get the address off of Owen.

She had a bottle of wine in one hand and the other placed two quick knocks on the door.

Maybe she should have listened to Owen, but she was more worried about Tosh than the fact she betrayed them. She hoped that she would be able to help Tosh, and she felt like she could do more than that one conversation. Especially since she just watched Jack kill her girlfriend. Only if Tosh would let her in.

After a few moments, Gwen figured that maybe Tosh was asleep or was simply ignoring her. It was late and after the day Tosh had maybe-

The locks on the door clicked, and it slowly opened. Tosh stood there, her face covered with recently dried tears. She was wearing pyjamas and a robe. Gwen maybe would have been stunned by how pretty she was if weren't for Tosh's clear emotional state and the reason that Gwen was there in the first place. 

Tosh blinked in surprise upon seeing her. The fact that she was dressed for bed made Gwen wonder if she’d been right and woken her up.

Gwen had the sudden urge to retreat.

“Hi, er- I’m sorry. I didn’t know you were sleeping,” Gwen said. “Is this a bad time?”

“No, no. I wasn’t.” Tosh laughed bitterly. “I mean, I was trying to,” she said. “I'm just surprised. It’s fine. Come on in.” She put on a probably-fake grin and stepped aside, allowing Gwen to enter.

Gwen felt a bit awkward as she entered her colleague’s flat. “I brought wine.”

“Oh,” Tosh said, seemingly bewildered.

Gwen handed her the bottle, giving her a reassuring smile.

Tosh glanced at the label and put it on the counter. “Thank you, you didn’t need to,” Tosh said. She paused before opening the cabinet and grabbing a glass. “Do you want a glass?”

Gwen wasn’t sure but she said, ”Sounds good.”

Tosh grabbed another one and poured the drinks. “You can sit, there’s room.”

Gwen sat down on Tosh’s sofa and looked around at the decor and then at Tosh as she approached with the glasses. She sat down next to Gwen after handing her a glass.

“Thank you,” Gwen said.

Tosh took a large sip of her drink, her other hand brushing her hair out of her face. Gwen realized just how exhausted Tosh looked. Gwen felt a pang in her chest at the thought that Tosh might have been trying to cry herself to sleep. She’d only known Mary a couple of days, how would she herself cope if she lost Rhys?

Gwen took a sip of her drink, perhaps waiting for Tosh to say something first. Ugh, okay, this wasn’t her best purchase.

“So…” Tosh said, circling the rim of her glass with a finger. “What made you decide to come here? Particularly at this time. Are you alright?”

Gwen frowned. “I was worried about you,” she said. “And I couldn’t leave our conversation as it was. Not after what you’ve been through.”

Tosh snorted, looking away. “So you decided to throw me a pity party?”

“No! No, of course not,” Gwen said.

“That’s why you’re here, isn’t it?”

“Tosh,” Gwen said quietly, “I don’t pity you. You should pity me.”

“Why should I?”

Gwen looked away, staring at the glass in her hands. She felt Tosh’s gaze turn to her. There was a lot Gwen wanted to say, things she had been bottling up. She wanted to talk about how she was just barely holding things together, barely hanging onto Rhys, how deeply affected she was by all these things. though, she didn’t know where to start.

On top of that were the worries about what exactly Tosh had heard her think. Not about Owen - Tosh clearly heard that - but her thoughts about Tosh specifically. Gwen tried to prevent her thoughts from drifting down that road, as it wasn’t good for focusing, but what if Tosh was forever uncomfortable around her because of it?

She looked back at Tosh and opened her mouth but the words didn’t come.

Tosh had a contemplative look on her face. “But I don’t. You’re handling Torchwood the best you can, Gwen. I know you are. If you weren’t, then…” Tosh drifted off.

“Then why should I pity you?” Gwen said. “You’re still here, aren’t you?”

"She did almost kill me, so just barely," Tosh said, then becoming silent for a few moments. She took a sip of her drink before saying, “You shouldn’t pity me but you do. All of you.”

“How could I? You’ve been at this way longer than me, and look at you, Tosh! I don’t know what this team would be without you,” Gwen said. “I’ve got my own function in this team and so do you.”

_This is what I’m saying, Tosh. Neither am I._

“I know that but you all… you just don’t get it.”

An awkward silence fell upon them as they continued drinking.

It was a full two minutes before Tosh finally spoke again,” Can I be honest?”

“What is it?”

“This wine is horrible,” Tosh said.

Gwen laughed. “It is, isn’t it? I’ve never bought this label before. I’m sorry.”

Tosh shot her a half-hearted smile. “Better luck next time, I suppose.”

“Yeah.”

Tosh took another sip.

Gwen shot her a look.

“It’s still wine,” Tosh said.

“Yeah, can’t let this shit wine go to waste.” Gwen took a sip and made an exaggerated grossed out face, noticing something closer to a real smile on Tosh's.

“Did Jack give you tomorrow off?” Gwen said.

“No. I told him I’d be at work tomorrow.”

“I’m sure he wouldn’t mind if you did blow off. He’d understand,” Gwen said, hesitating before she gently laid a hand on Tosh’s shoulder, keeping it there when Tosh didn’t shrug it off.

“I don’t know what I would do with a day off. I’ve been meaning to learn Spanish. I bought a book for it,” Tosh said.

“Not what you want to do the whole day?”

“No. Maybe for an hour before I give up?”

“Yeah.” Gwen briefly shot her a half-hearted smile.

"I don't think I'd rather be alone here, with my thoughts," Tosh said. "I know she wasn't a 'good person' but I miss her. And this place reminds me of her all the time."

"If you don't mind answering... was she the first girlfriend you've ever had?" Gwen said. "Sorry, that's inappropriate question."

“Maybe but she..." Tosh sighed. "She was the first girlfriend I've ever had but... I think I’ve known a long time that I’ve had those feelings. I've always liked men but I also like women. I just never explored it, I tried to ignore it at times. My parents wouldn’t have accepted me if I had been open about it growing up, so I sort of brushed it to the side.”

Gwen didn’t know how to respond. She put down her glass so she could use her other hand to grab Tosh’s and give it a supportive squeeze. Maybe that was a good response. Tosh squeezed her hand back, which made Gwen decide not to let go just yet.

This revelation made her feel a lot of different things, some of which scared her. Particularly hope in this context.

Because of what that might mean.

"I meant what I told you," Gwen finally said. "I'm sure there's someone else out there for you."

"I tend not to have the best of luck with these things. Today made that clear," Tosh said.

Gwen wanted to tell her that it was possible, that things were working with Rhys, so maybe it could be the same for Tosh.

But the job was hurting their relationship, even when she wasn't working. She couldn't confide in him about anything. They just weren't the same.

“What time do you need to be home?” Tosh said.

“Oh.” Gwen was jolted out of her thoughts. “What time is it?”

“It’s past midnight.”

“I should go. Rhys will be wondering where I am.” Gwen somewhat reluctantly let go of Tosh and stood up. Quickly, she finished off her drink.

“Do you want to take the bottle with you?” Tosh said.

“Er- no, it’s okay.”

“Leaving me with the awful wine?” Tosh said.

“Yeah. That all right?”

“Well, as I said, it’s wine. I'll walk you out.” She stood up and put her glass down, letting Gwen follow her.

Tosh walked her to the door. Stopping, she turned to face her. “Thanks, Gwen. For… being here. For a while, I've been trying to accept that romance, families, and so forth just wasn't for Torchwood but maybe you're proof that it's possible, just maybe not for me."

"Oh, Tosh," Gwen said. "There's no changing your mind, is there?" Though Gwen decided she would keep trying to convince her.

"It's fine," Tosh said, seemingly trying to brush it off. "And again, thank you. What you said about me being a part of the team. I don't think anyone's actually said that to me before."

“Yeah, well... it's true.” Gwen smiled before stepping towards Tosh and hugging her, her palms flat against Tosh’s the soft back of Tosh’s robe.

After a moment, Tosh was returning the hug. Gwen melted into her embrace, savouring the feeling. She realized that this was her first time hugging Tosh and she also realized that she didn't want it to be her last. After a few moments, Gwen started to pull away. Tosh still had a tight grasp on her for one more moment before she started pulling away too.

Gwen sighed. Maybe she’d rather know than not. “Tosh... er, when you read my mind did you happen to hear what I thought of you?”

Tosh frowned. “Gwen, it was none of my business. I shouldn’t be repeating any of what I heard.”

“I know, I know. I just want to make sure we’re okay," Gwen said. She wanted to grab Tosh's hand again but she didn't. "I don't want to scare you. You’re one of my friends. Whatever you heard, I couldn’t help what I was thinking-”

“We’re fine. I promise,” Tosh said, giving her a reassuring smile. “Don’t worry about it. I know.”

“Right, yeah. I’m sorry.”

Tosh sighed. “Don’t apologize. I’ll see you at work, Gwen.”

Gwen walked out the door and turned around. Tosh stood on the threshold, leaning against the side of the doorway. Gwen thought that she looked a bit better, even if it was temporary. 

“Bye, Tosh.”

“Goodnight, Gwen.”

Gwen turned and walked away. For a moment she stopped and looked back, to see Tosh still standing there, and still pretty from far away.

Tosh made eye contact with her and bit her lip, quickly glancing away. Gwen couldn’t help but smile for a moment. She turned and continued walking.

_Love suited you._

**Author's Note:**

> This is a result of me watching the end of GBG a bunch of times, watching the convo between Gwen and Tosh and always being like, "Hmm, that's kind of gay." So here you go. This is pretty different from what I've written so far, and I've never written Tosh/Gwen stuff before, so kudos/comments are much appreciated!
> 
> I'm @toshsato on tumblr!


End file.
